You got issues, Personal Narrative-End Of Chapter 1
- elliottqiana8
- Sep 7, 2023
- 4 min read
Growing up I felt as if I wasn't heard so I stayed in the background making sure I didn't make any noise. I never wanted the attention because of my dad and my sister. they had so much going on so i never spoke up when i was dealing with depression. I started writing in elementary as in outlet it was the only way out to escape reality. I read so many books such as the harry potter series. Anything to get what i went through out my head.
Going home I had to deal with my older sister who dealt with bipolar depression and schizophrenia. She was constantly arguing with my parents and even said hateful things and back and forth out the house. I was put through a lot with her verbal abuse, sometimes physical. I never spoke up even when I was angry so I wrote and wrote. At first when I was writing it was more of a free write to process my emotions clearly. I know the words to say. I started off with simply writing stories, rather than poems.
That wasn't the only thing i had to deal with i also had my alcoholic father he was a great father. Just a lot of difficult times although he never hit us, the constant drunkenness of him getting into arguments with my mom, me coming in between to try and stop it. Even worse when him and my sister would go back and forth. It was just to much for me i dealt with sleep paralysis almost everyday of my childhood, i was always tired i barely went out. Only way to get out of this was me jotting down my feelings. I tried going to therapy. At one point I just felt like I wasn't being heard this was the only way I felt people would listen and understand me. I was just never good with speaking. I'm still not, I'm just more confident in my writing.
As a result of what I went through after learning how to write, I kept on writing, all throughout middle school and highschool. That's when everything really started to kick in. My parents separated, my sister left. So I was really alone, it was just me and my mom. Birthdays felt like any day to me. School was just a routine I got used to. Social anxiety kept me from going out. Speaking up for myself I had all the words I knew what to say. But it felt like my throat was closed off so I just strayed away. As of now I feel like there are some patches that still need to be healed. I have serious trust issues due to me believing them when they said they would change and get better, I always got let down when all my hopes were high. I feel the most accomplished i've got in my writing was being able to make a blog about what i had been through. I feel more heard because not everyone speaks up about what they go through. So it amuses me and lightens up my heart when people read what I went through and say they are related. I feel as though I've gotten a little better at speaking up, being confident in talking just a little.I might not talk much or even it may seem I'm not engaging but really all the words are coming in. I'm silently doing it. Just always been scared no one was listening or even judging that's why I let everyone know I'm listening.
In closing,
How did I get better? I started to believe in myself telling myself it's okay what you have been through , it's going to build me in ways I'm going to be thankful for in the future. Because writing is my outlet, I just never stopped. I can come up with a song and a story in just minutes. I started to allow myself to be happy little by little by going out and having fun. My advice is We all have been through so much stuff with covid with our families even just childhood trauma. Allow yourself to breathe again to feel again speak up. It's okay to be nice to others but don't allow them to constantly hurt you. Get out your head and come back to reality. Those were the words I needed really. I didn't have anyone to go to. I was a closed bottle even if I let you poke a hole you still wasn't going to get me to open up all the way. But allowing myself to be near people I love helped me breathe a little. I shared a lot with them. I feel as though they understood me. They have made me become a better writer even though my sister and dad helped in the oddest ways. But i'm forever thankful
Short Messege- Suicidal Hotline Is 988
If You Ever Need To Contact Me
My Gmail is elliottqiana8@gmail.com
Instagram- @qwn.Qiana
WE GOT THIS DONT QUIT NOW!!!!
typos included I'm free writing 🫶🏾
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