You Got Issues, Why You Feel The Way You Feel, Chapter 2

No matter what I can’t let anyone in

I’ll tell you a lil joke

But I’m sorry I’m closed off

I fear if anyone gets to close to me

They'll eventually get tired or say I’m bothering them

and sometimes it may seem to people thats closest to me I’m getting distant I am, I just really don’t want them to get annoyed at my existence so I just stay in my room coming up with any excuse not to leave

The people I love left when I needed them the most

I been through so much

But to me it was just another day to me

I don’t let my past victimized me

I just stay clear of everybody

I dont need anybody feeling bad for me,

My anxiety get the best of me I stay trapped in my room

But it’s peaceful

Until it’s to much peace And I feel it getting boring

It’s just when I go out

My chest starts beating fast

The thoughts of my insecurities come in

The crowds get to big, I start to feel trapped

Now I can’t breathe, it's like everything

Starts to collapse I don't even want to be out

And I don’t want to much from life

I only ask for my peace

I gave up on love a long time ago Because it left me

I hoped and hoped and got let down each time

So each year when it presents itself to me

I feel I no longer need it

Although I want it

But not everyone is as genuine as me

And I can't trust people so it feels like

They after me

Every relationship I been in

Built me

But every time I think of it

I feel like it’s tearing me down

Differently everytime and

I want love so badly

But how do you get over

Someone who assaulted you

And you feel that’s the only way someone

Will love you

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TRIGGER WARNING

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You ever wonder why you're the way you're

Why am I so nonchalent

What from my past has broken you so much

You just don't want anyone else love

Or why you're insecure, when did you really start

Feeling it

Growing up I've always was a sweet girl

I was a real tomboy I just never had the connection

With just being a girl I never really told myself I was cute because I didn't feel it and I just didn't look in the mirror really

I hated pictures this did so much to my

Confidence because really I never had it

This caused me to really not smile a lot in photos

Talk down on myself and really question if I'm pretty

6th grade I met new people my family welcomed them into our home they were in high school both siblings

The girl would sleep with me at night and did sexually assault me I never said anything to anybody till this year I pushed it to the back of my head i just didn't want to feel that pain I didn't want anyone to feel bad for me or focus any attention on me

the girls brother would just hit my butt

Yet I said nothing, I've always been a quiet soul

When it comes to things hurting me

I push and I push everything to the back of my head

And I never speak up when people do me wrong

I just blocked them out my life and forget them

And throughout the years I started to forget

Until something unexpected happens and I remember all over again

You're probably wondering what I'm getting at

You can't push trauma aside you'll always have unfinished business unhealed wounds

Ready to open up

And I'm at the point in my life where they are popping up one at a time

due to what I went through I don't trust anyone that comes in I feel everyone just wants that

I feel people will only love me when they get something from me

I've really struggled with relationships

I'm very nonchalent now it's not that I stopped caring I just stopped expecting anything from people and take them from what they are

And what I'm focusing on right now is

Peace, loving myself and growing my confidence

It's what I owe to myself

I owe no one anything I didn't deserve for any of that to happen to me

But I don't feel bad for myself

Im glad im growing and can give advice to anyone

Who went through the same thing

You're not alone

Short Messege- Suicidal Hotline Is 988

If You Ever Need To Contact Me

My Gmail is elliottqiana8@gmail.com

Instagram- @qwn.Qiana 🌸

WE GOT THIS DONT QUIT NOW!!!!

typos included I'm free writing 🫶🏾